top of page

THE CLUBS

​It certainly isn't all of them, but it sure as hell is the most important ones...
Tottenham Hotspur


This may be the only time the Hotspur are on the top of the table, so enjoy it Spur's fans. The emblematic cock on the ball, coupled with the oh so clever NBC Coach Ted Lasso promotions, make them a solid pick for hipsters everywhere that still have a soul and can't root for Arsenal.

Details

  • Tragically bad in the transfer market

  • English Jesus leads the front line, and Kyle Walker leads the front line of the opposing side, every week

  • "That's so Spursy" airs every week Saturday or Sunday, check you local listings (thanks MiB)

  • Coach most likely to kick your ass in a bar fight

Chelsea Football Club


Great kit, great players, great new stadium on the way, everyone hates them because they are (were) winners, and damn good at it.  Generally, solid in defense and hardly breaking a sweat, Chelsea is the Yankees, the MFY, if you come at the king, you best not miss.

Details

  • Super badass badge

  • Longest games, since they always get at least 6 minutes of added time if the game is tied or they are down.

  • Coach most likely to give the best explanation why he didn't kick your ass in a bar fight.

Manchester United


Like the American auto industry, high times and not so high times, all the while spending recklessly on beautiful things (Mustang, Falcao) with varying degress of success.  Some years are Escalades and others are Pintos. So much talent, so much money, American sponsor, rich history, probably responsible for any level of American interest in EPL before 2014.  

Details

  • Beckham played there, and a bunch of other guys like Giggs and Ronaldo

  • Also, pretty super cool badge

  • Coach most likely not to get into a bar fight because no one would hit an elderly, confused Dutch tourist

  • Also, Coach most likely to smack you in the face like a mother dismissing a petulant child (see Giggs above).

  • Also, Coach most likely to scream, "Van Gaal Army Attack!" which would immediately put you in fear that you may be outnumbered and thus avoid the fight altoghter

Everton Football Club


Liverpool lite...the Toffees, usually, don a pleasant kit and their underdog, middle of the table act plays on the sympathies of new American fans (Remember 1812?) .  Timmy Howard, the man, myth, legend, American Gandalf, tends the poles, our great American Hope (no offense to the beautiful shaved polar bear Brad Guzan) in the EPL.  Everton: Better tasting, less filling.

Details

  • Badge kinda looks like an owl, that's cool

  • They aren't Liverpool

  • Only EPL team with a beer sponsor, and an elephant

  • Playing style closest to SEC football in the EPL

  • Coach most likely to let you tire yourself out before pushing you over in a bar fight

  • Also, Coach most likely play dracula in a movie or run a second world nation

Arsenal Football Club


The Jersey Shore of the EPL, but the nice part (looking at you Cape May).  Perfect hair, perfect abs, too much money  and a couple quick selfies before they knock the ball around beautifully for 90 minutes before realizing they need to score, and everyone's already gone home from the bar.  Once invincible, still silky smooth, and specializing in the fourth place finish, there's always next year. 

Details

  • Most visibile through the jersey nipples per XI, 3 years running

  • No gingers

  • Also have their own annual holiday, St. Totteringham's Day

  • Coach most likely not to be in a bar fight, since he is unable to unzip his gown length coat, which took him forever to zip up in the first place

© 2014 by FútbolyFootball, LLC 

  • Twitter Clean
bottom of page